Underland

Monday, June 23, 2003:

Schadenfreude is one of those pop language terms that makes you think: this is German? Why didn't the French think of this?




Johnny // 11:49 PM

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Monday, February 03, 2003:

Dialogue I just wrote for a movie starring and/or directed by Jon Favreau:

Scene: Hipster magazine/book launch party has just been shut down by the police due to overcrowding. Large crowd lingers outside discussing such, jockeying their cellphones, yet not quite ready to hail cabs

Boyfriend: This is like a potential riot scene. I can see people starting to throw beer bottles.

Other Guy (Jon Favreau): I'm not sure this is really the right crowd for that sort of thing.

Girl: *chuckles*

JF: Then again, maybe all we need is a capable demagogue. Gimme that and I'm ready to turn over a police car.

Girl: *laugh*

JF: I mean, I'd do it myself but I promised my girlfriend that I was done with that.

Girl: Oh really? You've been responsible for a lot of riots?

JF: Well, I wouldn't call it recent, but you remember that whole L.A. thing? I was the guy behind the guy.

Girl: Hmm. Well that was good work.

JF: Thanks. I don't like to brag, but I appreciate the compliment.

JF: Sorry, I'm lying. I don't have a girlfriend. And I actually do like to brag.


[Later, JF is talking to, I dunno, Vince Vaughn]

JF: I'm telling you, I was just amazing with this girl. Any other beautiful girl I talk to I totally freeze up. I'm either completely silent or like Porky Pig...but drunk with Tourette's.

JF: And of course she has a boyfriend. And he's like a friend of a friend.

VV: Well, if you really like this girl, [etc. etc.] Besides, [boyfriend] is a douchebag.

JF: Why is it one of the few times I go to a thing like this and actually meet a girl I like and can talk to that I'm unbelievably charming and yet everything still manages to be all fucked up.

[Movie goes on. She probably stays with her boyfriend, and he finds someone else just as good with some newfound confidence. Or not. Fuck if I know. I've lost interest.]
Johnny // 12:29 AM

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Friday, January 24, 2003:

Why the fuck does paper beat rock? Does this make sense to anyone?

Any fucking rock is going to go right through paper. Duh. This is such bullshit.

I'm familiar with the reasoning: paper wraps around rock, right?

Who the fuck cares?! Is a bit of paper wrapping going to stop rock from doing whatever the fuck rock wants to do?

Rock wins. Rock always wins.



Johnny // 1:56 AM

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Sunday, January 19, 2003:

Worst "Girls Gone Wild" spin-off videos:

Cats Gone Wild
Your Mom Gone Wild
Girls with Down Syndrome Gone Wild



Johnny // 1:17 AM

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Sunday, January 12, 2003:

The shortest distance between two points involves some horrific and putrid obstruction that you didn't foresee and will make your life hell.



Johnny // 12:25 AM

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Friday, December 27, 2002:

Genius is .5 percent inspiration, 44.5 percent hate, and 50 percent super-hate.



Johnny // 12:32 AM

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Genius is 1 percent inspiration, 99 percent hate.



Johnny // 12:21 AM

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Wednesday, November 06, 2002:

Don't chop, slice, or mince garlic when you cook.

Teach it a fucking lesson. Make it cry.



Johnny // 12:31 AM

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